Sunday, March 11, 2007

My Crushing Reality

This is how I feel; my reality is slowly but surely coming down on me. The weight is heavy and I am being crushed. The little space I am left with leaves me no room to breathe.

I feel claustrophobic, only it’s my life that is confining me. The walls of my life are closing in on me, I have no room left. I need to break away from what???? My whole life? My reality? Me?

I have been told by all that it is my own doing. It is my fault and now I have to fix it or suffer the consequences. My own life so I choose they say, yet the decision to choose is not mine. I am selfish; I want to have my cake and to eat it.

I have hurt people and disappointed many others. In my defense, it wasn't intentional. Simply by being me and living my life. I try to live according to what I deem important, principles and morals that in the past have served me well. But it seems that I have forgotten to take into account what society demands of me, what is expected of me if I were to remain an active member of it.

The hurt is double sided; their pain and disappointment hurts me...Yet I am unable to work the cards I am dealt. So the hurt continues....

What happens when society expects more than what you can give, more than what you want to give up? What happens when you KNOW that society is wrong and you are right, but you are only a leaf facing strong winds? Do you bend to the wind and survive? Or do stand your ground and risk being broken? Do you perpetuate the wrong or do you make peace with the ill feelings, broken relations, stares, taunts and gossip that is bound to happen?


SoulSearch said...

Hey GOS, sounds like you're being too hard on yourself, I know for a fact that you are a caring, loving person who deserves nothing but all the best. Look around you and you will see when you come home inshallah that everyone appreciates you, cares for you and loves you.
Take care of yourself and keep your head up high.
Love and miss you laods,


SillyBahrainiGirl said...

Chin up girl!